Tuesday, July 31, 2012

OMG.

I love you

As of right this moment, Elvis and I just experienced THE most disgusting moment of our short time together.

Dear Lord, My 15 month old just ate his own poop.

Someone please slap me with a wet, live fish and tell me this didn't just happen.

From another perspective, I figure this must be some hilarious moment, but step in my point of view for a split second and get ready to hold your lunch down. You might want to put down whatever your eating for now.

There I was, sitting at the table, searching for a song to put on youtube to entertain Elvis. Suddenly I notice my son has been oddly quiet in a corner behind the couch that is not visible from where I'm sitting. So I strech my neck a little to look around the corner and see my baby sitting, smiling, looking straight at me with some kind of pudding-looking stuff around his lips, his arms, his legs, the wall, and the carpet. I sit there wondering for 5 seconds, "What is that? Mud?"

My mind recoils in horror. My eyes widen in shock. My hand covers my mouth in utter disgust. Kind of like this:

ITS POOP! Dear lord. I get up from my chair faster then a hooker does when she hears the police approaching and run like hell broke lose over to him. "Please, anything but..." Nope. Definitely poop.

I stand there like some kind of illiterate moron, staring at my toddler...SMILING...with poop on his mouth. I enter into a code red stage. Although thoroughly and completely nauseous, I grab him under his arms, lift him and keep him arms length away from me, and do some sort of shuffle/run/power walk to the bathroom. I carefully take off his shirt and his hazardous diaper and put them down far, far away from the tub. As if the moment wasn't just peachy the way it was, he manages to slip and fall in a tub half way full of warm water...with pieces of poop floating around. My face drops.

Well, after I make sure every nook and cranny sparkles more then Edward Cullen, I take him out, dry him, dress him and put him in his high chair. Me, half wet with water from his splashing (clean water, duh) and still with the desire to throw the piece of watermelon I just ate up, grab a rag and get to work on disinfecting my carpet and walls. While Elvis sits in his high chair quietly playing with a toy I gave him, just staring at me like I was the one who made the mess.

I quickly google what to do if he eats poop; surprisingly, at this age it's perfectly normal for toddlers to go through a -GAG- POOP SMEARING stage. WTF! Apparently, children at this age experiment and are starting to take notice of their surroundings and the way their body works. Usually, a child is not disgusted by the smell or -Again, GAG!- TASTE of their own bodily function.

It's perfectly normal of him to do this and it just means he will be ready to potty train soon. Some articles actually asked if it was normal for a child to eat it on a REGULAR BASIS. First, EW, Second, what kind of mother are you!? The worst that can happen is that he might get diarrhea from this incident, and if he develops a fever I should call my doctor right away, but its not deadly. Relief.

Through all the drama, I guess I now have a story to embarrass him with in front of his wife someday. :) I still love my rug-rat.

I love you

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