Monday, December 31, 2012

Sufriendo A Solas..

I love you

.....Jes admitted he didn't love me..
.....Carlos got drunk and started in-boxing me on Facebook..
.....Jan refuses to come over for New Years although he can't be with her tonight either way...
....I, on the other hand, am starting to notice that the more pain I go through...The more secluded I make myself from the world. I handle pain differently than most I believe. The more hurt I am inside, the more I try to make others smile. I keep posting cheesy jokes on Facebook, and positive -fake happy- statuses about having hope for the new year....In reality...Hope is the last thing flowing in my system. Despair, Pain, And Loneliness on the contrary, are abundant.

Nadia asked me yesterday how I'm holding up...I replied, "I'm Ok."
I'm not Ok.
I've never felt this much rejection...this much...pain...
I feel so ugly, unwanted and self-conscious.
The need to try and commit suicide is starting to show it's ugly face again...
Please No...Not that feeling again. Anything but the feeling of wanting to die.
I've suffered with that feeling since Daniel left...that was the first time I wanted to die. After he left it seemed like my life took a downfall.
Like the Devil enjoyed seeing me down and seeing me drink 10 pills and sit in a bathtub of water with a powered hair dryer next to me on the floor.
Those were dark times....I don't know if any of you have ever felt that, the NEED to die. That overwhelming feeling of, "Get me out of here...Get me out of here NOW!"
It's a horrible feeling. You feel so hopeless and so desperate for ANYTHING to come along and make you smile. I get it often...I'm very suicidal.
But I think Elvis is giving me the courage to keep fighting now...the feeling hasn't been as strong lately. The thing is...It never goes away...it's a lingering thought...It's just a thought of, "Maybe if I die...Everyone will realize what I meant to them...Maybe then...Someone will care."
With me...that thought has made a lovely home in the depths of my mind. Once in a while I hear it whisper, "Marjorie, you know your existence is futile. Just leave."
Once in a while I stand in front of my bathroom mirror and take a good look at myself, and I don't see anything important in my reflection. Just a broken girl... a broken heart trying to make others happy to mask her own pain. Always trying, always after the happiness and smiles of others and never attending to her own needs.
I see someone unloved by the ones she adores. Someone who is yelling so loudly on the inside, begging to be saved; begging for ONE individual who will prove her that the world and humanity deserve one more chance.
But they never seem to come.
And when I'm standing there, once in a while I break down and I just sit on the edge of the bathtub and cry.
All the things I can't say out loud I express through tears. Tales of torture, tales of disgrace or embarrasment, of a pathetic and meaningless existence all pour out. Tales of unspeakable love and utter desperation just explode.
I'm only human after all.

I don't mind sharing my most intimate moments with the world...I no longer care about judgement. If you believe I'm pathetic, tell me, I'll join in that thought. You see, whatever you're judgements are about me...I don't care because mine are worse. I judge myself on a daily basis. Throw as many stones as you want at me...all you're doing is throwing pebbles to a boulder. There's no difference, it doesn't hurt.

I know I'm meant for more then this life. I know I was born to be recognized, for my name to be known. It's just a feeling I've always had, that I'm meant for something beyond my imagination...A destiny I'll never be able to guess.
Maybe I'm just being stupid again...
But it's the same feeling I get as the one where I belive someone out there is looking for me. Someone out there has a heart as broken as mine, with a need to be loved, with a need for romance and for hope...and I know someday we will cross paths. I know he..or even she..is out there somewhere...walking the same path of deception as I. Wondering through the winds of torment and sailing through oceans of tears...looking for love. How desperately I want to yell them, "I'm over here!"
How desperately I need love. I don't understand why.

I could be broke and starving, but if I'm with someone who loves me...it all doens't matter. Money, Family problems...Nothing depresses me...I can fight those problems off. Not being loved by anyone...Not being told, "I love you."...I can't fight that. I need someone there...anyone :(

Everyone tells me just to be happy with myself. To accept who I am, to smile without needing a reason to or someone to make me do it. I try...beleieve me I do, But I can't. I can't love myself. I don't love myself....Maybe that's why I need someone else to do it.

Whatever the reason is...I pray that 2013 will bring me a heart pure and gentle...a heart with no bad intentions and just wanting to be mine. I pray for love this year. Money, Health, Luck...i'll make those happen...I can change those, they are tangible for me...But Love...I can't force love. Love has a mind of its own...and I'm calling it everyday...seems like the line is busy...

So here's to a new year of disappointments, stress, and tears. May 2012 stay in your past and may it rot in hell if it was as horrible as mine. As weak as I am...I have the strength to raise a glass in the air and cheer for the new year. I'm sorry this was such a depressing post...

I ask, if you are judging me or are feeling pity for me in any way after reading my souls laments...please don't. I write my most private thoughts here. This is my life...I don't sugar coat it and pretend its what I make it out to be on Facebook. This blog...this is me. Love me or Hate me for the way my mind works, its the way I was born......this is who I am. Just a lonely, depressed 20 year old with dying hopes of a better future...but with enough strength to keep fighting for her son. I'll suffer through the 7 stages of hell to make sure Elvis never goes through the same.

I will share one happy thing...My only dream right now. My beacon of hope for the future? Seeing my son grow into a handsome, sucessful, loving and open minded man. Seeing him grow up never knowing of his mothers pain and loving himself and his life....that's my ultimate goal.
Elvis was born for a reason. Elvis was born to pull me through life. God knew I would go through all this, this is my fate...the line drawn for me when I was born. I have to live through this, this was all planned. That's why I'm not giving up either...I'm suffering through all this, but my future is already planned out by a higher soul than I...and the anticipation of how it turns out, of what I'm destined for...it's enough to pull me forward. And as much as any mother wants to say they are the reason for their child's happiness, for their child's future...They are wrong. Once you have a baby...your entire life your baby will be pulling YOU. They will always be the ones giving you courage to face the world, they provide the strength, and you provide the protection.
In a gamer point of view, Elvis is the one planting the bomb and I'm the sniper covering his back, making sure he is safe while pulling our team to victory.

I need a life. -.-'
happy new years my faithful, secretive readers. Seeing the amounts of views my blog gets makes me smile....at least someone out there knows my pain, or has enough love for me to read them as pathetic as they are. I hope this year brings you whatever your heart needs the most. Remember, your mind is in charge of your future, it will get you where you need to go because it knows what is right and wrong...but don't put your heart on the back burner. Listen to it. As weird as it sounds, the heart and the mind are always at war......but if you want my advice...take your hearts side. Let yourself love, live, laugh, get embrassed. Let yourself experience new things, new feelings, emotions......in short...Make stories you will love to tell your children when your on your deathbed. Go through experiences and tell them about it...warn them so they don't make the same mistakes. And most importantly...don't forget to Love Life. I do...as contridicting as it may be...I love life. Every twist...every turn...it brings pain, yes, but it also brings memories. Love everything you have...don't stress about money, it will come and it will go, don't cry about stuff you don't have...don't be materialistic. Look around, if you have a roof over your head, if your belly is full, if your heart is beating...be thankful. ALWAYS be thankful for what you have...no matter what you've been through, or the amount of tears you shed...someone out there would wishes they had your life, with all its ups and downs. Someone out there has it worse then you...never forget that...and always hold god or if your athiest, hold a dream, within your heart. Have hope for a better future...and it will come to you. Smile through the pain...life is short too short to regret the decision you've made. Happy 2013 everyone. I hope you are all blessed this year.

I love you

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