Sunday, March 31, 2013

The dance of two worlds.

I love you

What makes him special is hard to put into words.
There is not one specific thing that makes him stand out, its everything.
He's my opposite, my yang, my night, my ground.
His view on life is tough, and cold, whilst mine is tender and loving.
Every time he tells me of his perspective and opinions, I momentarily step into another world.
One I knew existed, but I never thought I would visit.
With his words he takes my hand and dances me through the endless abyss of pain he lives in, and he is so smoothly able to dodge every rock thrown at him. He feels no pain. He is a ghost in his own world, an expert.
I stumble here. Every time he opens the door for me to visit, I leave with a couple bumps and bruises. His world isn't kind to anyone, especially not strangers like me who live in Fantasy.
To me, his world is dark, rigid, and tough. it's cold fingers wrap around your heart and only when you fully accept what it has to teach you, like he has, can you dance through it and live peacefully...happily.

I don't have to dance in my world. My options are presented to me clearly and it is my choice completely of where to go. In his, you barely get any options, and when you do, your so into your waltz that you disregard it and keep moving. It's an endless game and you can only escape when someone or something topples you over and makes you sit down for just a second. Only when your temporarily broken from your enchantment can you make a choice and break free from his realm. I walk around freely in mine. My world is like a zoo. I wonder about and behind clear windows I see different lives I can live. Different choices. Some are beautiful, and all are nice. But the ones I'm attracted to are behind bullet proof glass. Guarded and very hard to get into. I don't have the key yet.
That's why I wonder in my universe, I guess you could call my endless wondering a sort of dance too. I comb this place looking for that key to open my glass box and let me step into that dream I keep visiting but only see from the outside.

He visits my world too. When I open the door for him, the freedom scares him. The uncertainty of everything, of the many choices to where life can go surprise him, I believe. It seems this way to me. Like a deer in headlights. His heart understands my world is full of pain as well, and the pain here is not dodge-able. If it seeks to hurt you, your a goner. To survive in my world, you need to accept that with these beautiful dreams, comes a price that you pay in tears. Your exposed. Your always naked. Your thoughts and ideas, your feelings and emotions, they are laid out for the world to see.
That's why I am the way I am. That's why I am not afraid to tell those I love that I love them. That's why it is so easy to express myself through my writings and my art. I'm an open book, but not many take the time to read my story. They judge me by my cover, and my covers not attractive. Its beaten. I'm an old book. The few hands that have picked me up have ripped me and have attempted to change my ending to please their own needs. In the end, they put me aside because my words shone through each time.
He is polished because not many hands have touched him. and the ones that have, have not phased him. They rattled him, but he danced through it with grace. Never breaking step....because he never fully opened up. Whatever story they managed to read out of him was an incomplete one. It never had an ending because he never allowed them to read it. He is fascinating. His courage is overwhelming and powerful. His presence is obvious. You know when he steps into a room. He lives for one person, and that's himself.
I live for that dream, and that dream is only accessible with the key that's wrapped around somebody's neck. Someone out there is wearing the key to my happiness, and I'm searching the world for that person. But I've searched my world many times over. I've been deceived and betrayed and broken, and many impostors have manipulated my heart into believing I finally found it, but when I tried to turn the lock, it wouldn't budge.
I'm starting to believe my key is not in my world. This fantasy world I live in where love is the foundation of life....No. I believe I've been searching in vain, because my key is around the neck of someone living in a differently world. Its around the neck of someone living in Reality. Where he is.
I watch him from a distance and ponder if he has my key but I am not able to see it because of his quick movements. He slips away from me with ease each time I reach out to touch his neck, and its hard for me to catch up. A constant chase. A constant battle to get close enough to see if its there or not. He fades into the stillness of his rough world while I search for him and try to make him sit down long enough to look at me. To realize that in the time spent chasing him, following him throughout his entire world, and the many times he has held my hands and helped me through it, I've fallen in love.
Does he realize it? is that why he runs? Does he see he does have the key, but he is too stubborn to leave this world and join me in mine. To give that dream, that door, a chance. If so, how long will i have to wait? What if he doesn't have the key....what if it doesn't fit...will it fit on another door? open up a whole new realm of possibilities and a brand new future maybe I've never seen before? One behind a curtain somewhere, hidden, protected, a mystery?

I want to find out. But he keeps dancing away. swiftly. Mesmerizing me with how easily he slides through this tough terrain without a single scratch. growing, morphing into something beautiful and strong. I've been *molded* into the beautiful person I am today. my shine is due to the buffering I've been given. The hands that have ripped my pages have also molded me into who I am. I've grown through life with the help of others, he has evolved on his own. His strength is so appealing...I want him so badly. To share a world where we can both co-exist. To teach him how to sit and take in the beauty of everything around him and jump at opportunities...and I want him to show me how to be beautiful on my own and teach me his dance.
I've fallen deeply in love with him. And I think he knows that...but he is not ready to accept or understand it. He is scared and I understand that very clearly. He has never danced with a partner before, and maybe is afraid to learn new steps when he has perfected the ones he knows.
I wish he would listen to me. To give this a chance, and see what our two completely different worlds can create. an ether perhaps. a utopia. but I guess we won't know until he gives me his hand again...but this time...i hope he doesn't let go.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't feel this way, but there isn't much I can do. Although there are others dancing around me, courting me and inviting me to join them, there is only one I'm focused on...only one I want to dance with. I'll sit in wait in the shadows of his strength and absorb the beauty he creates and hope someday he remembers I'm here and decides he needs a rest...and gives my world a shot.
I hope one day....he can grow to love my way of life to...I hope one day he can grow to love me.
But "Hope" is the key word here. And Hope is not something I have much of anymore.
I hope he rescues me before I drown from disappointment.
I hope he sees this isn't a joke anymore. I'm not a visitor in his world, I want to stay.
I hope I can hold out long enough to see at least if he would ever notice I'm here.
But like I said, Hope, is something fading fast.

I hope he saves me.

I love you

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

"Unless"

I love you

"Unless someone cares enough, nothings gonna change." - The Lorax.

The above statement might be from a children's film, but it couldn't be more true.
Honestly, I know it must sounds ridiculous to anyone other then myself, but I think God does things to me for a reason. For example:
Lately I've been having internal battles with myself about my personality. All my life, I've been so proud of who I am. Of the rare heart and mind I have. I believe in true love, I believe so passionately in peace, in that there CAN be dreams that don't only involve one person looking out for their own needs.
All my life I've been told, "Marjorie, Never change." Every person that has walked out of my life has told me not to change who I am because I'm beautiful in my own way.

Then...why is it that I feel the need to change?
The other day I began thinking,
"What if it really is time to let go of my thoughts, my dreams, my ambitions? What if they really are too old to be accepted in this society...but its hard to do so for me because they are all I've known for years, since I got into the mind set of looking out for my future, I've had but a couple dreams. A couple ultimate Life Goals.

For one, the obvious one...I'm looking for Love. For true Love. I want to be someones reason to smile....I want to wake up everyday and know I belong to someone, that I'm never alone...I want to feel those butterflies breath air and start flapping their wings in my tummy again. I so desperately want to hear someone say, "I love you." and know they truly mean it.....I want to be loved. And I want to love another too.

I also want a family...I want a husband of my own that will be my Alpha, and just my Elvis. Maybe one more baby when I'm good and ready, but for now I just want Elvis to be an only child. I want a house of my own, a good job...just...a fairytale ending.

And lastly, I want to die knowing I changed at least ONE person's life...that I've spread this feeling, these thoughts and way of thinking onto another human being....I want to make people happy, I want to know I helped someone. I've made someone smile.

My dreams also involve someone else....I need more then just myself to make them come true....But...I'm surrounded by people who only think of themselves...of their future....and their dreams are a party of one. Lately everyone only thinks of making the most money in their lifetime, of living it to the fullest by themselves....what happened to that need to be loved? What happened to helping each other....has the world really changed that much??? What happened to One for all and All for one?? Really...no one depends on another person anymore...no one trusts, no one loves, no one needs anything from another human being. We are all forming shells around ourselves...because we're afraid to be let down and hurt.

I'm so sick and tired of this. I'm tired of trying to be in someone life because I like them, because I want to be near them...and feeling like its a battle. Like I have to fight to stay in their lives. What the fuck? What..even friend ships are being destroyed now?? Or is this all happening just with me?

Anyway, I've just been considering changing, becoming a Lioness...strong, and independent. Looking out for myself and my son and putting those dreams of mine on the back burner....I dont want to...I don't want to stop looking for love, If I stop, maybe I'll miss my chance and end up dying alone...never knowing what it was to really be someone's universe.
I'm afraid to change who I am. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be heartless, I don't...I want to be myself...but I don't want to be alone...and right now...my thoughts, my feelings...they are pushing people away because they think I'm lame and too soft and they distance themselves.

But then I see this movie. The Lorax. A man obsessed with nothing but money, had it all...I won't lie, he made his dream come true...but for what? He ends up alone, regretting his decisions. Thats the price he paid for his money? Ironic right? You pay with your life for money, for success, for your name to be known. Is it worth it?

I don't know about you, but I'd rather be a complete no body but know I'm the most famous person in just ONE person's eyes then have the world know who I am, but he completely alone at night. The world's beauty is dying because this is the disease flying around now.

People are forgetting what it means to Love...They are forgetting to look at the flowers beneath their feet because they are too busy looking at the moon.

I really hope...when i'm old....I can look around and see that all my gardening produced beautiful flowers...and not weeds.

I love you