Sunday, March 31, 2013

The dance of two worlds.

I love you

What makes him special is hard to put into words.
There is not one specific thing that makes him stand out, its everything.
He's my opposite, my yang, my night, my ground.
His view on life is tough, and cold, whilst mine is tender and loving.
Every time he tells me of his perspective and opinions, I momentarily step into another world.
One I knew existed, but I never thought I would visit.
With his words he takes my hand and dances me through the endless abyss of pain he lives in, and he is so smoothly able to dodge every rock thrown at him. He feels no pain. He is a ghost in his own world, an expert.
I stumble here. Every time he opens the door for me to visit, I leave with a couple bumps and bruises. His world isn't kind to anyone, especially not strangers like me who live in Fantasy.
To me, his world is dark, rigid, and tough. it's cold fingers wrap around your heart and only when you fully accept what it has to teach you, like he has, can you dance through it and live peacefully...happily.

I don't have to dance in my world. My options are presented to me clearly and it is my choice completely of where to go. In his, you barely get any options, and when you do, your so into your waltz that you disregard it and keep moving. It's an endless game and you can only escape when someone or something topples you over and makes you sit down for just a second. Only when your temporarily broken from your enchantment can you make a choice and break free from his realm. I walk around freely in mine. My world is like a zoo. I wonder about and behind clear windows I see different lives I can live. Different choices. Some are beautiful, and all are nice. But the ones I'm attracted to are behind bullet proof glass. Guarded and very hard to get into. I don't have the key yet.
That's why I wonder in my universe, I guess you could call my endless wondering a sort of dance too. I comb this place looking for that key to open my glass box and let me step into that dream I keep visiting but only see from the outside.

He visits my world too. When I open the door for him, the freedom scares him. The uncertainty of everything, of the many choices to where life can go surprise him, I believe. It seems this way to me. Like a deer in headlights. His heart understands my world is full of pain as well, and the pain here is not dodge-able. If it seeks to hurt you, your a goner. To survive in my world, you need to accept that with these beautiful dreams, comes a price that you pay in tears. Your exposed. Your always naked. Your thoughts and ideas, your feelings and emotions, they are laid out for the world to see.
That's why I am the way I am. That's why I am not afraid to tell those I love that I love them. That's why it is so easy to express myself through my writings and my art. I'm an open book, but not many take the time to read my story. They judge me by my cover, and my covers not attractive. Its beaten. I'm an old book. The few hands that have picked me up have ripped me and have attempted to change my ending to please their own needs. In the end, they put me aside because my words shone through each time.
He is polished because not many hands have touched him. and the ones that have, have not phased him. They rattled him, but he danced through it with grace. Never breaking step....because he never fully opened up. Whatever story they managed to read out of him was an incomplete one. It never had an ending because he never allowed them to read it. He is fascinating. His courage is overwhelming and powerful. His presence is obvious. You know when he steps into a room. He lives for one person, and that's himself.
I live for that dream, and that dream is only accessible with the key that's wrapped around somebody's neck. Someone out there is wearing the key to my happiness, and I'm searching the world for that person. But I've searched my world many times over. I've been deceived and betrayed and broken, and many impostors have manipulated my heart into believing I finally found it, but when I tried to turn the lock, it wouldn't budge.
I'm starting to believe my key is not in my world. This fantasy world I live in where love is the foundation of life....No. I believe I've been searching in vain, because my key is around the neck of someone living in a differently world. Its around the neck of someone living in Reality. Where he is.
I watch him from a distance and ponder if he has my key but I am not able to see it because of his quick movements. He slips away from me with ease each time I reach out to touch his neck, and its hard for me to catch up. A constant chase. A constant battle to get close enough to see if its there or not. He fades into the stillness of his rough world while I search for him and try to make him sit down long enough to look at me. To realize that in the time spent chasing him, following him throughout his entire world, and the many times he has held my hands and helped me through it, I've fallen in love.
Does he realize it? is that why he runs? Does he see he does have the key, but he is too stubborn to leave this world and join me in mine. To give that dream, that door, a chance. If so, how long will i have to wait? What if he doesn't have the key....what if it doesn't fit...will it fit on another door? open up a whole new realm of possibilities and a brand new future maybe I've never seen before? One behind a curtain somewhere, hidden, protected, a mystery?

I want to find out. But he keeps dancing away. swiftly. Mesmerizing me with how easily he slides through this tough terrain without a single scratch. growing, morphing into something beautiful and strong. I've been *molded* into the beautiful person I am today. my shine is due to the buffering I've been given. The hands that have ripped my pages have also molded me into who I am. I've grown through life with the help of others, he has evolved on his own. His strength is so appealing...I want him so badly. To share a world where we can both co-exist. To teach him how to sit and take in the beauty of everything around him and jump at opportunities...and I want him to show me how to be beautiful on my own and teach me his dance.
I've fallen deeply in love with him. And I think he knows that...but he is not ready to accept or understand it. He is scared and I understand that very clearly. He has never danced with a partner before, and maybe is afraid to learn new steps when he has perfected the ones he knows.
I wish he would listen to me. To give this a chance, and see what our two completely different worlds can create. an ether perhaps. a utopia. but I guess we won't know until he gives me his hand again...but this time...i hope he doesn't let go.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't feel this way, but there isn't much I can do. Although there are others dancing around me, courting me and inviting me to join them, there is only one I'm focused on...only one I want to dance with. I'll sit in wait in the shadows of his strength and absorb the beauty he creates and hope someday he remembers I'm here and decides he needs a rest...and gives my world a shot.
I hope one day....he can grow to love my way of life to...I hope one day he can grow to love me.
But "Hope" is the key word here. And Hope is not something I have much of anymore.
I hope he rescues me before I drown from disappointment.
I hope he sees this isn't a joke anymore. I'm not a visitor in his world, I want to stay.
I hope I can hold out long enough to see at least if he would ever notice I'm here.
But like I said, Hope, is something fading fast.

I hope he saves me.

I love you

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