"Unless someone cares enough, nothings gonna change." - The Lorax.
The above statement might be from a children's film, but it couldn't be more true.
Honestly, I know it must sounds ridiculous to anyone other then myself, but I think God does things to me for a reason. For example:
Lately I've been having internal battles with myself about my personality. All my life, I've been so proud of who I am. Of the rare heart and mind I have. I believe in true love, I believe so passionately in peace, in that there CAN be dreams that don't only involve one person looking out for their own needs.
All my life I've been told, "Marjorie, Never change." Every person that has walked out of my life has told me not to change who I am because I'm beautiful in my own way.
Then...why is it that I feel the need to change?
The other day I began thinking,
"What if it really is time to let go of my thoughts, my dreams, my ambitions? What if they really are too old to be accepted in this society...but its hard to do so for me because they are all I've known for years, since I got into the mind set of looking out for my future, I've had but a couple dreams. A couple ultimate Life Goals.
For one, the obvious one...I'm looking for Love. For true Love. I want to be someones reason to smile....I want to wake up everyday and know I belong to someone, that I'm never alone...I want to feel those butterflies breath air and start flapping their wings in my tummy again. I so desperately want to hear someone say, "I love you." and know they truly mean it.....I want to be loved. And I want to love another too.
I also want a family...I want a husband of my own that will be my Alpha, and just my Elvis. Maybe one more baby when I'm good and ready, but for now I just want Elvis to be an only child. I want a house of my own, a good job...just...a fairytale ending.
And lastly, I want to die knowing I changed at least ONE person's life...that I've spread this feeling, these thoughts and way of thinking onto another human being....I want to make people happy, I want to know I helped someone. I've made someone smile.
My dreams also involve someone else....I need more then just myself to make them come true....But...I'm surrounded by people who only think of themselves...of their future....and their dreams are a party of one. Lately everyone only thinks of making the most money in their lifetime, of living it to the fullest by themselves....what happened to that need to be loved? What happened to helping each other....has the world really changed that much??? What happened to One for all and All for one?? Really...no one depends on another person anymore...no one trusts, no one loves, no one needs anything from another human being. We are all forming shells around ourselves...because we're afraid to be let down and hurt.
I'm so sick and tired of this. I'm tired of trying to be in someone life because I like them, because I want to be near them...and feeling like its a battle. Like I have to fight to stay in their lives. What the fuck? What..even friend ships are being destroyed now?? Or is this all happening just with me?
Anyway, I've just been considering changing, becoming a Lioness...strong, and independent. Looking out for myself and my son and putting those dreams of mine on the back burner....I dont want to...I don't want to stop looking for love, If I stop, maybe I'll miss my chance and end up dying alone...never knowing what it was to really be someone's universe.
I'm afraid to change who I am. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be heartless, I don't...I want to be myself...but I don't want to be alone...and right now...my thoughts, my feelings...they are pushing people away because they think I'm lame and too soft and they distance themselves.
But then I see this movie. The Lorax. A man obsessed with nothing but money, had it all...I won't lie, he made his dream come true...but for what? He ends up alone, regretting his decisions. Thats the price he paid for his money? Ironic right? You pay with your life for money, for success, for your name to be known. Is it worth it?
I don't know about you, but I'd rather be a complete no body but know I'm the most famous person in just ONE person's eyes then have the world know who I am, but he completely alone at night. The world's beauty is dying because this is the disease flying around now.
People are forgetting what it means to Love...They are forgetting to look at the flowers beneath their feet because they are too busy looking at the moon.
I really hope...when i'm old....I can look around and see that all my gardening produced beautiful flowers...and not weeds.