Up from the floor!
Up on my feet!
The music grows louder
And picks up the beat!
The stillness is over,
The underworld loosens
I feel the pulse quicken!
I quick-step and shimmy,
The beat grows more urgent!
© 2002 by Julie Anne Elliot
I feel so...ALIVE!
My son returned from his one month vacation in Guatemala on the 16th of this month.
I thought I wouldn't be ready for it...I thought I would get used to the single life..But god, how I missed him.
Although, I will say that being able to take that time to myself and sleep however long I wanted, eat when I wanted, go out without having to make plans before so and know that no one could ruin it was wonderful. So much freedom. I found myself during that time.
I'm back to being that wild girl that just goes ahead and tells people what she thinks of them...and my confidence has gone through the roof! I can look in the mirror now and say, "Damn! I look good today!" and not have it be a sad attempt at being optimistic.
In that month, not only was I able to have a quickie with one of the hottest boys I've ever seen...quite literally...this guy was GORGEOUS. And to have HIM come to MY room and begin the entire thing was awesome. I'm not used to that sort of thing...to men making the first move...so yeah, let me bathe in my successful night of seduction, ok?
Besides the one night stand, I just recently got back in communication with one of my Ex's whom I've been wanting to message and talk to for MONTHS now, but have not had the courage to send him something. The other night, however, I decided to just fuck the entire situation and wrote my best friend an emotional letter explaining how I...(pondering if I should say this here...knowing certain people I know read it and might get angry..)
....still loved him. And I do. I'm still in love with this man; I left him 4 years ago for another person who promised me a better future, and at the time I wanted security. I wanted to know I had a man that could take care of me. And I still do, don't get me wrong. I still want a man who is gonna go places, who is gonna stop at nothing to get what he wants and pull us forward. But now I also want to follow my heart and my hearts still kinda with him. I never let him fully go when I turned my back on him. I never stopped thinking about him. Wondering how he was. Creating so many arguments with the father of my son (he was the reason I let my ex go) because I still kept in touch with him. The messages I used to send where nothing bad though. A simple, "Hello"...a friendly conversation. I never cheated on him, it was all online. Hundreds of miles between me and this man and he still got so angry that I did it....and no matter how many fights we got into over it...I couldn't let my ex go. I didn't want to lose his friendship. I'm trying to figure out if I ever got over him...I don't think I ever did...because I never had a chance to mourn him. I went directly from him to Jan (the father) and never once took a week, a month, a freaking DAY to cry over the person I just lost. I know I still love Jordan (my ex) I know I still want him in more ways than one...
And I told him this I think 3 days ago. I confessed how I felt about him...and he seemed happy. He seems excited that we are talking again...and we've even spoken over the phone already!
I know I'm being childish right now, getting all giddy about this...but fuck, let me enjoy these damn butterflies that have been nesting since so long ago. Let them flutter around in there. This feels amazing. I just hope he realizes that this time, I'm really not going to let him go. I'm really not going to give up so easily on him, because I KNOW the potential he has. The love he can give. I know who he is deep inside....and that's why I want him. But I also hope that this second chance doesn't blow up in my face...because deep inside I do fear that I hurt him so much, he is going to take this chance to just get back at me. To hurt me. To get me to fall in love with him all over again, get back to where we were...and leave me, like I left him. I don't know why I'm being so pessimistic about this....I just don't want this to go wrong....and I hope this is the right choice.
I fucking hate love.