Sunday, July 28, 2013


I love you

This is just a little story that ran through my mind, it doesn't mean anything...I watched Devious Maids, and it put me in a feisty mood, so I went into character. Feedback? :D


.....Staring at the bottom of my glass, a thought runs through my mind.
I wish it was just a passing thing...but it seems like I'm about to do it again. I'm about to drown in his memory.

I always told him I would be the one that got away. I made it clear time after time that I'm what he needs to open his eyes; To see beauty in the world through such the pessimistic viel covering his soul. Why I lied to myself, saying that he wouldn't see through my game...that he wouldn't catch the real reason as to why I kept him to why I kept reminding him how much he needed me, I don't know. I was a fool...and still am...but that's his power. That's what he makes of me. A mindless fool.
To say this man has no hold on me would be a lie. He's got me under his spell, but I believe I also got him under mine.
He's a game I've learned to play; A game with no rules and where it seems like the only winner that could ever be, would be me winning is a consequence, not a reward...but that's how closely he's got me tied; To where I dream of finally getting my consequence, because he makes it seem like a prize.
He's beautiful. Not just physically or mentally. He's beautiful on a new level. The way he carries himself...with pride and with respect. He treats himself like a fine piece of china that he would never dare to let out of the cabinet for fear of a crack. He's dust-free...without a single fingerprint on him...and that's why I want him.

To make the lion bow, to bend a piece of be the first fingerprint on that's...exhilarating.
He's been touched by many hands, but none have seen his real value. Disgusting whores...sipping what I bet is one of the world's most exquisite nectar from a cup so fine...and to let it go afterwards...put it away like it was just another's aggravating...but god, am I grateful...because that means I still have time to be the first.
...The first to hold his heart and not just his "handle."

A fools desire, if you ask me.
I know I'm playing a dangerous game...I know he's my Russian Roulette...that my consequence would be the bullet...
But dear lord, how badly I want to be shot, thus, my theory of how he makes it seem like a reward proves valid.
I'd rather die by the hands of this man, but know that I was the reason the gun fired, then to live a mediocre life.

Why I would ever want someone who doesn't see me as even half of what I just described, is beyond me.
I know he doesn't see me as anything other then just another face looking at him from behind the many have.
I don't stand out...but that's only because his own shine blocks his view. He can stay in that cabinet if he so wishes...but as long as he understands that when I say there is not one person more deserving to hold him, I'm not lying. I might admire him, and he is my forbidden desire...but I know my value as well, and I'm not going bankrupt, splurging all my money on one...MUG...when I could get my money's worth elsewhere.
See, I'm willing to pay whatever needed to have him...and I have so far...I've invested a lot of my time and tears into him...but I have my limits, and they are approaching rather quickly.
Because while I've been busy admiring him, little did I know I've mimicked what I desire the most...maybe subconsciously thinking that If I became just as untouchable, we could be untouchable together...and now I live in a cabinet as well.
Admired and adored by filthy hands. Some tap on my glass, and catch my attention for a moment, but it's nothing more then my own glare. They attract me because they are mirrors, they buff me by reminding me of how beautiful I am.
In other words, they rub my ego until my own shine draws me to them, but when that mirror falls -which it always does- I'm met by a disgusting figure, and back I go.

....I will be the one that got away from him, and someday he will realize this too...but until that day comes, I'll sit here pretty and looking out of my glass...because unlike him, I don't want to spend the rest of my life being admired by lingering eyes that get only momentarily distracted by my beauty, I want to be admired everyday I'm alive, and beyond that, by eyes that will never look away from me.

We could be beautiful together, a tea cup and it's tea plate, and people would look for a different reason...but if he'd rather be admired than be LOVED, be my guest, but I'm going to be loved...and you're shimmer is quickly fading on me...but maybe that's what you want...Maybe that's what YOU desire...for my eyes to look away...

And lets just say that I hate letting you win, you disgustingly enticing...MUG.

I love you

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


I love you

Oh, you guys! You're too much! I've officially hit 1.3k views (somehow. I don't promote this blog besides on my Facebook.) and I'm getting new viewers from different places around the world! Thank you! I don't know what you find interesting about my random ranting, but hey, whatever floats your boat! haha I'm actually very happy.


A lot has been going on lately. Should I start with the most recent? Ok.
My ex-fiance texted me today, claiming that he will be going to jail for 2 months, until September 16th when he will have a court date to figure out whether or not he has stolen gold from his roommates.
Do I believe him? No. Not one bit lol Why?
Because he said that since he has no papers, the police want either $100 by tomorrow or he's going to spend the time waiting for the court date in jail.
This man is the root of my trust issues...I also know that he needs money for a new place to stay lately, and he's been asking around to see if anyone is willing to help him. To me, it seems like $100 is just about right for a down payment somewhere. Why he would lie to me and make up such a story, I don't know; and even if it was real, I wouldn't have cared because it's just not my problem anymore. I'm not sour about what happened between us, I've just learned that he's an ass and he's not gonna change, and he wanted her, so he got her. Figure it out. I had to tough it out with a child in tow by my damn self and he didn't give a crap, so Karma's a bitch, isn't it sweetheart? :) Don't drop the soap!

Secondly, I got really pissed at Jessie the other day because the idiot had the balls to say that (And figuratively speaking..) if we had gotten serious, or whatever, he wouldn't love Elvis as much as he loved his kid. Hold it.
One, Fuck You.
Two, I fucking hate it when you're right and you rub it all over my damn face; because yes, obviously no one will love your kid as much as you love them, but you never fucking admit that. He used the example of the kids hanging over something that will kill them (that's Jessie for you...Child Endangerment 101) That I would pick Elvis. First. No. I'd probably jump in that thing myself before having to pick between two children I will LOVE because I will grow to LOVE any child that becomes MY child. Whether they be from another person, or my own with another partner. It's MY kid if I'm married to you. I could never pick.
Three, You're wrong in a sense. You can grow to love step children as much as your own. You're just as ASS and don't have a heart to begin with to accept anyone that isn't your blood, so this statement coming from you doesn't surprise me.

I have fucking Mono or some disease close to that shit and am currently in extreme amounts of pain. Who do I have to thank? The fucking ghost busters of course. No. I don't know where the fuck I got it from, but I'm pissed and I seem to be passing the time within my head thinking of every possible, horrible torture I can give people I hate.
I'm learning to let go of my anger, because holding onto is is like holding a hot coal and expecting the other person to get burned. I love that quote.
Anyway, yeah...I'm in a lot of pain lately and I'd rather have my tonsils ripped out through my ass then go through another minute of this hell.

Tough balls for me, I suppose.
I don't mind, just another way to prove my to myself how strong I can really be.

Alright, bullshit aside, I have a new romantic interest...who actually has potential to be in my life longer then 3 weeks and completely disappear.
His name is Caleb. To describe him in three words: Loving, Accepting, *Conversationalist*.
The fact that he's funny, caring, romantic and mature are just bonuses.
He's tall. He's white. He has my one kryptonite against men: Ice blue eyes. Going to school and working, and into My Little Ponies like Moi. Every morning he texts first, and throughout the day constantly reminds me what I mean to him, and how beautiful I am, (which honestly isn't helping my already comfy Narcissistic level. I say comfy because I started out having to force it, but now I'm actually pretty self centered and full of myself because, fuck...why should I be? I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, and I'm a great fucking mom. The fact that I'm funny and loyal are just bonuses as well. I'm getting off topic.) <---This is what this man puts up with, and somehow, he likes it. My quiet side still shows its head regularly, and allows to me realize that yeah, SAYING all these things about myself is pretty rude...but honestly...I haven't said anything nice about myself since idk...birth?? Let me bask in this new-found glory.
Anyway, I really enjoy Caleb. I get a good laugh from him every single day, and I do get a genuinely good vibe from him...He doesn't seem fake...I might have actually found a decent heart...And no, around him I'm actually very...sweet...unlike on this blog. This blog is my bitch fit hour. I actually am a lovable hard as that is to believe.

I feel sorry for those that have lost me, and those that are about to. To bad they don't think, and never have thought, I was anything valuable in the first I guess no one really loses anything; I won't lose them, because if they don't consider me anything...why should I? No matter how much I loved them..

Life right? Full of bitches. :) and Caleb better not be one. I'll be...disappointed...but I wouldn't be surprised... sigh...

Oh, P.s:

As sexy as I want to believe my new confidence is...I imagine that to everyone going from little Fluttershy to freaking Rarity in a blink of an eye...I must look like this Fabulous Llama here. Still don't care. lol :D I think I'm sexy this way.

I love you