Sunday, May 4, 2014

...Feeling Vulnerable...

I love you

I have a confession to make.
I'm 21 years old and I still suffer from separation anxiety.

I'm also beginning to question if I'm the right person to become a Psychologist.
How can I possibly look and determine what is wrong with other people's minds when I don't even know my own? My boyfriend says that I'll learn about myself in the process to becoming one...and honestly...how hard can it be to determine what is wrong in a marriage (because I want to concentrate on Marriage Counseling...ironic as well when my relationship is one hell of a roller coaster ride. Meaning I enjoy it as much as it makes me sick.)
In a way, he is right. Psychology would suit me in a lot of ways...I just can't help but wonder why my mind is so difficult.

Granted, I've lost loved ones. From my father abandoning my three older sisters, my mother and I at the tender age of 5 in a country none of us knew or spoke the language of...to constantly moving around during school and never making many solid friendships besides two or three...to losing both my grandparents on my mother's side in one week. I try to understand myself as best I can. I try to determine what is wrong with my mind before anything gets out of control...but it's very hard. It races in many direction at once and tugs and pulls me from left to right so fast I eventually just quit trying to analyze it and go with whatever it initially wanted. This is also the reason why I try to put my time and effort into others besides myself. I love helping people smile...making them feel secure and loved. I have plenty of love to whomever requests it...it's just a matter of not having enough time for everyone. I feel that loving others, humanity as a whole...loving life...loving anything besides myself...is my way to make myself feel better. To give my mind a reason to love itself, yet, in 21 years...it has yet to do so.

Maybe it's because I don't tend to think a lot before committing any soft of action. I'm used to following my heart...and when I say that, I literally mean I have a tragically beautiful ability to listen to what my heart desires. What it wants to do and not what is technically 'wise'. I've found myself plenty of times in places I shouldn't be in because my heart told me it was the right thing to do. Sure, I've also found happiness with it...but it has also landed me in physical danger (I know I promised to be open in my blog...but I think this is one piece of information best kept to myself.)

Anyway, the reason I believe I suffer from separation anxiety is because it's very hard for me to say Good-bye for even small amounts of time. I can't stand being away from my son (silly isn't it? How a 3 year old can out do me when it comes to this.) and I hate being alone when my boyfriend has to go out. I try not to show anyone...I pretend I'm okay and smile and laugh...but inside I'm just tossing and turning because my mind won't shut up about how they might get injured if I'm not there. I'm so very terrified of death. The thought of growing old scares me to the point where I make it a point to never talk about it. Whenever I'm not around my mother or anyone I truly love, I'll start getting the urge to cry (like when she goes on vacation for months at a time to Guatemala) I've even cried when my best friend took a trip to her home country years ago. Stayed up all night to make sure she got there safely. After a while, it won't bother me anymore...not as much as it initially had...but it will still torture my mind at night when all is quiet and I have time to dwell on everything that could go wrong.
That stupid saying, "Anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong." Doesn't help.

I've gotten into arguments with my guy over this. My relationships all take a very wrong turn for the worst when I start showing how truly attached I am. I want and need to know where they are at all times, with whom, why and what time they will be home. If they go over an hour without shooting me a simple text, I'll begin to get paranoid....but again, I won't show it. I'll face my demons and cry and pace around my room before I show anyone how weak I am...how vulnerable I am to my own perceptions in life.

I'm trying not to with Jessie.
I don't want to lose him.
Thankfully, up to this point it seems to me like he suffers from a similar paranoia. He also requests that I tell him where I am going and with whom and also gets annoyed when I don't message him. We're extremely attached to one another. To the point where sincerely no one understands how we work anymore. I know things about him no one knows and he knows my entire life's story. In a way, Jessie has taken charge of controlling my mind for me...calming me when I begin to cry on the phone over the anxiety that hits me when I think about my upcoming trip and how much I don't want to leave my son for fear of the unknown. He has become my conscious as I have become his...see, the thing about Jessie is that he doesn't have the ability to see with his heart fully yet. I'll tell him from time to time when he is being rude to others and when he should listen more to a specific person. He is very family oriented, meaning he doesn't make much time for other people that he does not love...and outside of his immediate family, myself and our son, there is no one he massively cares about. As useful as that may be, it's also a horrible habit of his. As I am terrified of death..Jessie is terrified of getting hurt, of getting betrayed...that's why I had to fight over two years to win this man's heart. Our courtship was unique to say the least considering this time, the girl was the one chasing. I didn't care, and I still don't to this day. I found him worth while...and like I said, my heart just told me he was the one I wanted. (And thus far, it has been time well spent.) There is no such thing as privacy in our relationship because neither of us have anything to hide. He knows the password to everything I have and vice versa. At times, I really do sit and wonder if he is my soul mate. My heart says yes and so I follow that...because I've never felt this secure with someone in my entire life. He has no need or desire to go out. He doesn't drink or smoke and god forbid he touches drugs (ever again that is.) Jessie is intelligent beyond his years and I fully realize I would be some damn fool to ever let go of him....but he also recognizes that although I may have my faults...I love him like none other. I've never been one to to toot my own horn...but as a partner I surpass expectations. Than again, that has always been me. In school, in life...I always want to be better than the crowd. Maybe it's to make up for whatever faults I believe I have...maybe its because that's just how I was born. Either way, his happiness is always my top priority...and mine is his. We balance each other out with constant checks and challenges. I question his better judgement and he as sure will question mine.
I've always told him our love is that like the one of the Notebook. Always arguing...but damn, am I in love with this man.

To wrap up this random jumble, I just wanted to say one last thing.
If you're reading this Jessie...I love you. With every bit of my heart. If I act like a typical angry girlfriend from time to time, it's because aside from death I've acquired a brand new fear: the fear of being alone...without you. The fear of losing someone like you. And I'm sorry. Never forget that.

I love you

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