Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The BEAUTY in our stars.

I love you

(sorry for any grammar mistakes, I don't proof read.)

...Everyone that knows me well knows I write when I'm feeling emotional. Now, that doesn't mean I have to be emotional in a bad way because that's not the case right now. I'm actually...Happy...for the first time in quite some time.
And no, not that "I'm pretending to be genuinely happy because it makes the people I love feel happy." No, not this time. This time, I can swear I'm not pretending. Nothing happened to make it this way. I'm not happy because of a temporary enjoyment, a passing good time. I'm happy because I think I've broken through that barrier that has always veiled me. I think I've found my own Joy. In a sense, my own beauty.

And guys...The inspiration came yesterday from a children's T.V show called, Doc McStuffins.
Ironic, this showed literally healed my ailment.

For the sake of time, I'll sum it up. It's an episode where a barbie named Dianna(?) is fabulously happy and has many, many dresses and outfits. She's always joyful. Well, this cute little sheep throughout the entire show keeps repeating how she wished she could be as beautiful, as happy, as elegant as Dianna. Toward the end, Dianna breaks her arm having a Disco rollerblading party and gets a cast. (is that how you spell it?)
She rocks it. She doesn't get downtrodden that she has to wear it, she works with it. The sheep pretends to be ill to get one too. Blah blah, She confesses she just wanted to be beautiful too...At this point, Dianna gives a speech about how the reason she is always well dressed and always so joyful is because she's feeling great on the inside, so she looks great on the outside. BAM. (cue fireworks.)
That's the ringer. Something went off in my head that just instantly clicked. I've been living my life in a fucking hole for so many years! This whole time, one of the major reasons of my severe depression has been because I never thought I was beautiful enough. That my weight prohibited that. Every attempt (every stupid attempt) to lose weight has failed because I've been working backwards. It's not the point of getting skinny to feel beautiful,'s feeling beautiful to get healthy. Work inside out, not outside in. Love yourself and you'll begin to take care of yourself as you do for anyone you love. I live my life trying to take care of my son, my mother, my fiance, my family...but I've never stopped to realize I'm ignoring the one person I NEED to take care of. My motivation now is the realization that I want to take care of my loved one for as long as I can, and I can't do that if I die before them because of health issues. I don't want to hurt them.
So yes, a children's show taught me a lesson...a lesson many have been trying to teach me for years...but they just haven't said it in a way I understood. A simple way. Ironic, isn't it? So today I went for a jog around this gorgeous park as I used to before and I enjoyed every second of it.

Moving on. One of the main reasons I write is to hopefully write that special blog that (just like Doc,) makes something in their head click too. With that, I want to talk about depression...You can stop reading now, if this doesn't interest you, but I suggest you keep going...because there will come a time in your life when all hope vanishes, if even for a split second...and that second is enough to possibly kill you.

I've suffered from severe depression since very early in my teenage years. The hormones didn't treat me very nicely. I've kept this a secret from everyone except four people (counting people that are still in my life only) who know about every tear drop I've created...and every suicide attempt I've had.
It's not an easy thing to talk about...people judge you. I'm not one to care much about being judged for the things I say...actually, I never have been...if I get ballsy enough, I will speak my mind...but this and certain other manners are always kept inside an intensely guarded box.
With that, I ask that if you know me in real life, or see me on a day to day basis or speak to me, that you don't let this affect the way you see me. Chances are, if you're one of those people, I've already won you over with my heart and there is no reason to turn away from me now when I'm only opening up to everyone more.
I'll break this up into steps that I found easy to follow in times of need:

1.) Admit it:
The age old truth that the truth will set you free. In all honesty, being open to yourself that you are depressed is the first step. Realizing that you indeed are depressed and not momentarily sad, though, is important. Depression is hard to describe, but if I have to word it, I guess it would be the moment when you suddenly get this immense burning in your chest and your mind tells you, "You're alone." Depression is obvious and very different from the everyday sadness most of us face; but if you have it, admit it. Write it down. Tell one person. Get it out.

2.) Don't feel guilty:
Guilt is probably the biggest annoyance of depression. You begin to feel guilty about everything. From telling a small white lie about how many sugars you like in your coffee, to bigger things that could bring you down more if you take that weight on yourself. Don't do it. I know its hard, but trust me when I say, It's not your fault. I've sat many times in the bathroom, on the floor, crying to myself and just saying those words over and over again until I stopped crying. Hey, if you're going to say something repeatedly, choose something helpful while you're still able to control your thoughts. It's not your fault. It's not your fault you're sad. It's not you're fault you can't be happy about the small things. It's not you're really is not. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the mind that can alter thoughts and moods rapidly. For those that are prone to it, it's out of their hands. It's not you're fault...but you CAN control it.

3.) DO NOT take time to be alone:
Okay, you're sad. You want to cry. You want to hurt yourself. No, Don't let yourself be alone...especially in those moments when your hand is reaching for a tool (a razor, an eraser, a hot object) and you are having trouble stopping yourself. Do not let yourself be put in situations where you're alone for too long when you're depressed. It's hard and it's irritating, trust me, I know, to be around people that just don't get it. People that ask you, "Why are you always so damn sad, laugh a little!" I know, I get it. But take it from the many scars on my body, that moment you so badly want alone, you will wish you hadn't taken later on. Scars are not pretty. The only scar anyone should ever be proud of is one they got from doing something out of bravery. A solider, a hero, a mother. All scars that should been shown off.

4.) Talk. Talk. Talk:
I was blessed. I've been blessed my entire life because I've always had someone there to rant to that didn't necessarily understand my situation, but that were willing to just listen. That's all we need. Someone to listen. Someone that won't roll their eyes when we say how sad we are, someone that will say, "You will get through this." when we need them. For me, that was Nadia, first and fore most. Then Daniel, Lala, Jordan, Korrin, Jan, Nay and now my beloved Jessie. Three of those people didn't know the full extent of my depression, Daniel, Jordan and Korrin. The rest knew I used to hurt myself and have heard, to barely a while ago, how much I desired to just end it all. They don't care. They listen. They are so used to my erratic emotions that they don't even care reading long essays about my sadness and the next day I'll be fine. Their used to it. Most of them are probably thinking this is one of those moments, but I can tell you it's really not.

5.) Forgive yourself:
Whatever you've done, let it go. Remember, the past is the past no matter if it was barely a minute ago. It's gone, it can't be undone. If you're not happy about it, fix it. Most of our mistakes and regrets come from decisions we THINK we can't fix, but indeed can. If you miss an ex, fuck it, tell them. If you hate to be the first to apologize, suck it up buttercup. The thing is, if the other person matters to you enough that you're sad about it, and they are not going to do anything about it, you have to be the bigger person. And that's okay because if you love them, you will do it to save whatever you have with them.
Now, be careful you're not in an threatening relationship as well. Use common sense, yeah?

And most importantly,
6.) Learn to love yourself:
Look, your life isn't going to get better by moping around, crying, and regretting everything. YOU have to make it happen. and like I said at the beginning, if you feel great inside, you will show it outside. It all begins with YOU. A wise friend told me that you can give more of yourself to those you love the more you love yourself; because suddenly, you're not worried anymore about how you look and more focused on seeing them happy. You're not worried about how terrible you're feeling when someone is yelling at you, you can focus more on telling them to shut the fuck up because they have no right to yell in the first place. Love yourself. It's a cliche, but trust me, You're beautiful. Everyone is gorgeous in their own way. I'm not some paid motivational speaker, I'm not a worried mother, I'm not a paid psychiatrist *yet* to be saying this. I'm a person who has hated herself from the moment she realized that to everyone around me (sadly) having a thin waist, big boobs and a big butt was beauty. I rarely heard the phrase, "you're beautiful" from anyone that I wanted to hear it from. The boys I had a crush on and had to balls to tell, didn't like me back because I was "fat." I'm someone who has contemplated throwing a working hairdryer into the bathtub, who has ended up in bad situations because she has taken pills, who has literally tried to erase herself from existence because she was too weak to cut herself like everyone else did. I'm me. I'm Marjorie, the 21 year old mother of a breath-taking toddler named Elvis who just took a leap of faith and left everything behind for a man she loved and a future she desperately wants...Only to have major issues with one of his parents and be sent back without a dime to my name or a place to stay. I'm someone who doesn't really know where I will be sleeping tomorrow night, or what I'll be eating...or how I will fill up the empty hours that make my days now. My son and mother are in Guatemala because of me, My man is working his ass off to get me and Elvis back safe and sound because of me, and my sisters are all hurt and lonely without my mother because of me. I split up a family that only has each other in this country, in pursuit of a dream that required complete sacrifice...but I'm also Marjorie, the 21 year old who despite having many who blame her, many who judge her, many who think she made a mistake...believes in her choices and in the love she has not for anyone person in particular...but for the future she has created in her mind already. For the little baby girl she has envisioned and hopes to someday in the far off future create. The home she wants to create real memories in. I believe in ME. I believe I've made choices that were for the sake of MY happiness and not anyone else's and I'm OKAY with that. I miss them...I cry...and yeah, I do feel bad sometimes...but I'm pushing through...a bigger obstacle is in my way and I will soon have to face it...but I'm not scared. I can do it. I've climbed bigger mountains...mountains made of tears and pain and guilt. I climbed one of the biggest mountains anyone is unfortunate to ever know...and that's Depression. If I made it through that...well, hell, I can make it through anything. And THAT, is the beauty in MY stars.

And hey, listen, to whoever is reading this. Thank you for doing so. and if you ever need someone to talk to...that one person that listens...I'm here. For whoever you are, I don't care. Message me. My contact info is in the other tab. ,p> God Speed, my friends.

I love you