Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Here We Go.

I love you

Welp, It happened. Jes joined the Army. Originally we were planning on him joining The Airforce but their recruitment process is a tad bit ridiculous so we went with Army. We double/triple/quadruple checked that it's what we wanted and what would be the best for our family....

Then why does it feel like the complete opposite right now?
He went off to Basic yesterday. I drove 2 hours in the wee hours of the morning to go see him for exactly 10 minutes after his final oath before the speaker overhead told us it was time for them to go to a travel briefing that would tell them how to get to the reception place from MEPs. He walked me over to the entrance counter and that was that. I was gone. I looked over my shoulder one last time and mouthed, "I love you." and saw him mouth it back before the heavy door closed between us and that was that. That's the last time I physically saw the man I'm used to doing absolutely everything with. I can't even explain the pain.

I have to say though, I love this man for a reason. All throughout the day, he was messaging and calling me on Facebook Messenger to make sure I was okay and to give me strength. He messaged and called me right before the plane took off as he was sitting in his seat already and the second he got off. He messaged me as he was trying to find his way around this new state with a small group of guys that are in his same MOS, and he even messaged me as he was sitting in the bus driving to his reception area. The drive was long and we got to message quite a bit. He couldn't call because his DS (Drill Sergeant) was sitting two rows in front of him and he wasn't even technically suppose to even have his phone on him. The last messages I got from him were, "I love you!!! Talk soon, Baby Doll." To which I responded, "I LOVE YOU! Talk soon, My Husband." and his last one to me before he turned off his phone arriving to his destination was, "My Wife<3"

I can't lie. My heart is still breaking. Last night was barely night number 2 of sleeping without him.
(My first one was from May 14th to the 15th when I went to go see him at MEPS because they require them to sleep at a Hotel that one night before shipping.)
I'm not used to this. I'm used to hearing his voice every second of every day. Telling me something, yelling at someone on the xbox, laughing at something on his phone.
Being alone isn't something I've ever experienced. Especially because my family is back in Illinois and I have no friends to speak of. He was my one and only company...and I know that's kinda sad to admit but he was.
We did everything together. Not because we had to, but because we both wanted to. He was as much home-bound as I am. He would reject invitations from his previous Co-Workers because he would rather come home and game with me. We'd used to grocery shop together. Only rarely did I ever do it myself. He liked walking around Wal-mart with me. It was kind of our entertainment 99% of the time. We'd go there to grocery shop but we'd wonder around the entire place with Elvis just looking at stuff, and trying stuff out. He would always go to the Hunting section to look at the guns and Ammo, and I'd always want to got to the Toy Section or the Hobby Section.
Our one routine I'm really going to miss while he's gone is going over to the toy section and picking up a Magic 8 Ball and asking it questions. The last time we went there was May 13th, the night before he went off to the Hotel for MEPs, and asked it if this path was the right one for our family and if we would be okay. He asked if I would be safe while he was gone and I asked if he would be healthy and taken care of in basic.
This is hard for me. I'm sure its a billion times harder for him though...and I know that's suppose to comfort like 90% of wives and Girlfriends and Moms, but it doesn't for me. It makes me sadder knowing he is miserable and I can't care for him. He called me an hour ago, the one "guaranteed" phone call they get when they arrive at the reception place, and told me what company he is a part of and told me that he hadn't slept in nearly 40 hours, had only eaten like twice and had to carry around a 50 pound Ruck Sack that entire time filled with his uniforms. He was tired and he already missed home. It sounded like he wasn't too happy with this decision so I told him he's doing great and that I'm sorry he was having a bad time. That I missed him too and that I loved him. The call lasted an amazing 1 minute and 30 seconds or so before he was rushing to get off.
I cried after it was over. I miss him. More than I believe when I don't hear his voice or see his face. The second I do though it's overwhelming. I guess I've built a wall to this to protect myself from the pain but they come crumbling down when he's around. I'm thankful I got to hear his voice today. Even if it was kinda of tired and sad sounding and it made me want to take the first flight to his location and bitch out the people there for not letting them sleep.

He told me that he wasn't sure when he would ship out to actual Basic. That it could be this Friday, or Next Monday, or he even said it would be Next Friday. Not to worry though because they would take the time off his OSUT so that it would be around the same time for graduation and stuff. That's no joke, that's a week extra. It made me sad to hear that. I've followed and liked every single FB Page I can find that has to do with where he is and his MOS because they tend to post picture of them in the hopes I'll get lucky and they'll take a picture of him. He is in a rare MOS so they might and that's my only saving grace.

The thought of him being gone for 2 months is killing me. The days are going by so slowly. This is day 3 technically of him being gone, but day 1 of not talking to him. That phone call..I know it's the last one I'll get until he is ready to ship and calls me to tell me his company and mailing address. At least, I hope so. I hope I'll get that call. He was suppose to call me last night but they didn't give him a chance until today. I wonder what else they will take away from him or make him wait for. I know I'll get the commander letter telling me his address but I have to wait for that in the mail and it usually takes about a week or so from the moment he left so in about 7 days from now.

I didn't get a chance to ask him if he had enrolled me in DEERS yet. I can't go pick up my ID until he does and if I can't get my ID, I can't get AER. Truth is, and I haven't told him because I don't want him stressing out in Basic even more, I'm kind of struggling with how I'm going to pay the rent this month. Our account is currently under $650 because we had to pay the car bill and our light which was a beautiful $400. He has been out of work for the past month and we didn't have any savings. We didn't have a chance because emergencies kept popping up and ate whatever money we did have. Now I'm down $650, and I know that when (or IF) they deposit his first check into our account, it will be eaten majorly by that negative balance and I'll be left with around $500 or less even to deal with. And with our rent being around $700 a month, this isn't good. I got in contact with AER but they told me that I need to provide them with my Military Dependent ID, Power of Attorney, and some other stuff for them to give me a check to be able to pay the rent and the car bill and other stuff on the 1st. At the moment, I have around $120 to my name that I haven't nor am I going to touch if I can help it until the 1st. I did some of the math and researched some stuff and I'm praying on the fact that his BHA isn't lowered because he is in Basic. I'm also wondering if it will even be a lot since he left on the 15th. As if, if it will cover the rent from the 15th to the 1st. I don't know. I'm not sure how any of this works, it's confusing. There's a lot to take in and a few sources of information. I can't find anywhere where it says if they will take BHA because he's being housed in Basic, or if it will be separated into two checks or one lump sum a month. Google doesn't provide a lot of information on this and I'm not sure who I could call to ask. Regardless, I'm hoping that my calculations are right and I'll have enough left over after the negative balance that the check and what I have on hand and maybe if I borrow a few bucks from someone last minute will be enough to cover the rent. That's all I need right now. I'm stressing about him being gone and dealing with all that emotional turmoil enough as it is that having to worry about how our son and I are going to keep our home isn't something I can put 110% into. Of course I'm exhausting every option I have, because just because I'm sad doesn't mean I don't have a little person and 3 cats that rely on me right now. it's all just so much. I'm tired and I'm living with a constant migraine since the 14th....and I can't believe this is only Day 2. I love you

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