Saturday, May 20, 2017

The First Week.

I love you

So, I have to admit, I tried video blogging about this whole experience but the camera doesn't love me and I definitely don't need 10 pounds added to me so regular blogging it is.
It's officially been one week since Jes left. I've been doing better. At times, when I'm swamped in things I have to do and business I had to take care of after he left, I don't feel sad. I feel guilty for not feeling sad the majority of the time actually. Which is weird to me. I'm an overly attached person. I've done everything with Jes, as I explained in my previous blog, but this separation hasn't been as difficult as I imagined it would be and I sometimes feel guilty that I'm not feeling sad or lonely. That sounds horrible to say, but it's the truth. It's not because of the reason most people with an agenda towards us would think. I'm obviously insane about my husband and would cross "an ocean of thumbtacks" just to be with him (a little inside joke between him and I.) The reason this separation is a little easier to handle for me is because we've been here before. Plenty of times.

Let's start of with the fact that Jes and I met online. We spoke online (already way deep in love with one another) for 2 years before I came down to Arizona for 2 weeks during the winter holidays. Then, we had to say Goodbye again for nearly 7 months before I gathered enough resources and got a job down here to move down with him for 2 months before some complications came up and I was forced to return home without him for another 6 months. Thing is, during that separation, him and I didn't speak much either because I spent 2 weeks of those 6 months in Illinois and the rest where spent down in Guatemala with my mother and Elvis while Jes prepared for and attended the academy for his last career. He had to be up very early in the morning much earlier than I ever would have been awake to greet him, and he got home very late and tired and usually slept. What with that, our time difference between Arizona and Guatemala and the fact that I didn't have Internet down there and used my Aunt's internet through a cable she wired for me through our window (which she then literally unplugged all night long from 7pm to 11am because she believed the tiny little router she had ate up too much electricity.) With all that, Him and I barely ever got a chance to speak. He would have to buy calling cards which would last an amazing 30 minutes before turning off. We only spoke maybe 2 times a week back then for 6 months and we were both miserable. To the point, actually, where we broke up...twice. (But we don't really count it because our "break ups" only last about a day before we received a very long and woeful apology message from the other person.) It gets to a person. But we survived it.

At times, those separations, as sad and miserable as they all were, prepared us for this moment. Funny, isn't it? How this entire time, our relationship's ups and downs have been preparing us for this road? Thinking back you might think that I'm only placing tiles where I am because I want to make sense of this situation. Because I want to believe that this is the road we were meant to go down. Well, stop your psychology evaluation on me. I can tell you why I'm placing those tiles there; it's because if I don't, you're right, this situation wouldn't make sense. If Jes and I had had a "Normal" beginning to our relationship, if we had never been forced to separate due to circumstances, if we had never experienced, felt, seen, heard and dealt with the cards life has thrown at us so far, joining the Military wouldn't have made sense.
Truth is, one way or another, we're all guided to our destiny's and its just up to us to look back once in a while and organize the chips. You can't pick the hand you're dealt in life but you can control where and what you place your chips on. You can put all your chips on a bad hand believing it's the right thing to do, or you can skip your chance at making some serious money on a hand you thought was bad but was the best one in the pile. Thing is, no matter what you bet on, your hand never changes. Your chances of winning/losing don't change. You only directly affect how much you win from each move. Use the situation as a slingshot and grow or shrink as a person and player in the game of life.

The way I've organized my chips makes most sense to me. The fact that Jes comes from an honorable line of Military careers in his family, that when I first met him and we were friends he was already planning on joining the Marines, and that all throughout our relationship separations and the military have been the top two things that always keep coming back to us make sense as to why I'm currently sitting at home kinda of sad now because I'm thinking about him and he's across the entire Country in another state sleeping by now because it's 3 hours later where he is. You can't help but wonder where it's all eventually leading us too...but it doesn't matter...I'm sure the ride will be as much fun as it is painful.

So I guess my point is that this past week...I've broken down hard. There have been times when Elvis is asleep in bed at 8pm and I'm not tired that I will remain outside and listen to music or watch Netflix or be on my phone that I randomly get this overwhelming sense of loneliness and I'll break down. I'll cry and cry for an hour or so and then I'll start to calm down and eventually, I stop. And when I stop I feel horrible, of course, that left over sadness is still lingering in there, but I can breath again. It's like if you shake a soda bottle. It might look okay from the outside and be okay for an extended about of time if left sealed, but once it opens it explodes...and slowly throughout everyday, I get shaken. Here and there I'll randomly see something that touches me deeply about him (which is everywhere in this house) and I'll get a tiny touch of sadness but I'll be able to keep walking and keep going about my day...then at night when all is quiet and I have no where else to drive, no one else to bitch out on my stupid mom groups, no appointments to meet...all the tiny shakes I got throughout the day explode. Yesterday was my exploding day. I haven't cried that hard since the first night he left. I must have been particularly shaken that day. Today it's better. I woke up this morning and felt okay. I took Elvis out to the park so he could run and play through the water, we came home, I showered him, and then I put on some music and cleaned this house up. Half way through my cleaning spree, however, I got a nice little surprise.

I message from Jes! He was able to get on his phone for about 10 minutes today and told me he loved me and missed me and things about Reception. (Reception is the "3-4 days" they are in there registering themselves into the system, filing the final paperwork, getting shots like wild animals standing up in a line one after the other. You know, Military stuff.) He told me he is there until May 25th, which is next freaking Thursday. it's Sunday tomorrow...so almost there I guess. He told me he had already written and sent me two letters and that he is writing to me every single day about everything he does that day. I can't send him any yet though, not until he goes to official Basic next week which is why I want time to hurry up already. I told him I needed him to contact my AER case Manager so I could have permission to take out a loan in his name because rent + car payments + other bills + an E1's first Army check = NOPE. (An AER is something Soliders and their dependents have access to at any point should they need financial assistance. It is interest free and extremely common among soldiers because it helps a lot with PCSing -moving duty stations- and other things. Contrary to what people may think, they military isn't paid exceptionally well lol not at first, at least.) and he did so I'm good to go on that page thank god. I was beginning to drown in my worries about the rent and the bills this 1st. He told me a little more about how it's been and then I heard a lot of yelling in the back telling them to hurry the hell up and he suddenly had to go but we must have said I love you to one another a million times in the last 30 seconds before he hung up. He even video called and Elvis and I got to see his ugly bald head for a couple minutes! I'm not entirely sure he was suppose to do that but he did and I couldn't be happier. You never realize how much someone's time and company mean to you until you no longer have it. I'm very glad and happy I get these random moments with him that I'm probably not suppose to even have.

In short, this past week has been emotionally draining, time consuming, and very difficult....but manageable. I'm surviving and honestly 7 days is a long time in itself and I've felt that it went by pretty okay. I'm no expert...but if you're reading this and you're about to go through it yourself, advice from an extremely clingy/needy person who is probably the exact opposite of all these strong, beautiful military spouses that keep telling you it will be okay...Don't listen. It'll be hard. You'll cry, you'll get angry, you'll be a mess. You'll want to give up and listen to me when I say, and this I am an expert on because the main reason I write these blogs is to keep the Depression at bay, don't let this eat you. It won't be better for a long, long time, and you won't learn to live with it for just as long, but you need to realize that thinking about the future is BAD. Don't do that. Don't sit there thinking and loathing the future Deployments to come, the future TDYs that might even take up to one month, all the moves, the long hours, the worry about there being international conflict and he'll have to leave..Don't. You're just setting yourself up for failure. What you need to do is accept that they are there...accept that it's something that MIGHT happen, not will, not that it won't, that it MIGHT happen, and let it be. You can't change it. You can't do anything about it, so stop thinking about it. STOP looking more than a day into your life. Take this Hour by Hour. Moment by Moment. Don't look at the clock, the calendar, not until you're ready to come to terms with things. Stop fighting it. It's happening, get a hold of yourself. You hurt yourself more when you fight it...just accept it's happening and take it moment by moment. Enjoy what you have in front of you at any given time. Holding your child, reading, watching Youtube videos. Let yourself get lost in time. Stop thinking. Just do what needs to get done, and move forward. Before you realize it, it'll be time for the kids to be in bed, or time for your own bed, and you'll lay down and realize a day has just gone by that you survived. One day may not seem like a lot but they add up quickly. Don't think about your future, enjoy your present. Time will make itself disappear like that and your depression will be kept at bay. Everything will be okay. And if it isn't, you'll make it okay, together. Week One for me is over. I have approximately 65 days left without him but I've gotten rid of 7 already. In a week, my niece comes down and I won't have even my evenings anymore to myself. I'll have someone to talk to again...and then time will really speed up. I'm going to make it go faster even though, because I'm looking into online schools and I'm going to sign myself up for one. I have benefits now as a Spouse, why not take advantage of them? Best part is that it's a completely separate program from the G.I Bill that will give Elvis or Maddie (yes we already have named our future daughter and son -Jasper- they are our names, don't steal them. lol) a paid for education. It's literally a school program for just spouses to take advantage of, and take advantage I will. So should you. I heard a great piece of advice from a Military spouse the other day (or read it in a Military Magazine I'm not sure anymore) that said just because your husband choose this CAREER, it doesn't mean you have to put everything you have on the line on hold. Make something of yourself along with him. Not because something might happen and you might break up and have nothing to your name although that is a possibility, be realistic with yourself, but because you can't ride on his name and badge for respect all your life. He can grow to be a high ass Officer and you'll have done what with your life? Be Mrs. Officer? Sure people might respect you a little more but that's only because they're terrified of pissing him off. How nice does Officer and Doctor sound? Or Officer and Professor? You want to be your partner's equal, not his slave. You can love him, respect him, honor him as a wife and best friend all your life but you don't have to put your own life and goals on hold. What did you want to be as a child? Your ambition before you met your partner? We all had one. Just prepare to fill your alone time in the future...there will be alone time...and grow with him. Mirror one another and be strong together. Eventually, life will pass you by like these days will pass by and you'll lay in your bed one last time and look back and think, "Wow, my life has passed by." instead of being amazed you made it through one measly day..and when that day comes, you'll want to look upon your "Day" and make sure you did everything you had to do but everything you wanted to do as well.

You can't control life or time or people...but you can control yourself. These days will pass...eventually...but they will pass. Control your thoughts and your emotions and be proud of your mini accomplishments. Getting through a day by yourself, an hour, a minute...Be Proud. You did it. You can't control the hand your dealt, but you can learn to play the game and learn where to place your chips when....or you can sit there blankly staring at the cards in your hand and not having a clue of what to do. It's up to you. You can do it.

This is Marjorie Gonzalez, Survivor of Week One, Signing off.

I love you

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